It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
