I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
