so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize