ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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