I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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