someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
