She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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