census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
