Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
50% drunk capacity currently
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
