My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
