Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
