We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
