I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
