His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
