I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
