You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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