My hand turned me down
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize