you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
