you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
