I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
