im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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