we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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