I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize