a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I can't turn off my feet"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
