just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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