Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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