so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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