so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
