sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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