You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
