I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
