I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
