I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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