I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The Olympian is in my bed
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
