he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
