pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
