I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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