so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
