I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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