The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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