If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize