My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
