There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
