we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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