don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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