I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
