I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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