Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
