What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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