she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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