After last night, I could never be a politician.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
This baby is an asshole
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
We have so much sex to catch up on
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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