i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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