He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
