you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He's on the porch naked. Help.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
