I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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