How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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