Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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