We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
