so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
